Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Breaking news:
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
decorating my apartment
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”