@_troyjohnson: Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.
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@drinkcherrycoke: So I just found out those stick figures on the back of cars are not to keep track of how many pedestrians you've hit,i will be removing mine
@UncleDuke1969: WIFE: Why are you wearing camo? ME: Crap. You can see me? WIFE: Put those cookies back.
@isabelzawtun: Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single? Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
@WheelTod: I hate it when you're about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.