Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You Might Also Like
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
reminder
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”