I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.