“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?