son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
You Might Also Like
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
How to properly lift a body
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500