[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.