[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
screw you
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?