My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Note to self: always read the final line
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength