me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.