Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.