SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I’m listening
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.