*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.