*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
The game has officially changed 😎
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.