Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“No way.” -Jose
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.