Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
U talkin 2 me?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
*updates tinder bio*
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
This will teach them to underestimate me
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.