Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Dishonest mechanic?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.