@WetzelGeek: Son, there's no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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@SteussieErica: Parenting: 1st kid: Document their every move 2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
@OhNoSheTwitnt: This "violence in the workplace" seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn't do. No fighting techniques or anything.
@bombsydoll: *sees guy having a heart attack* me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth! person: isn't that for diabetics? me: it's what I would want