Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
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Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit