Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.