Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No