@Just_Beachy72: Son told me "Make me a sandwich, woman" and now I have one child instead of two
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@Reverend_Scott: THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP "No" WE WON'T ASK AGAIN "No" Ok guys, let's go. We can't ask again
@curlycomedy: Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@joe_binkley: Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge... Rest in peace. Friend: I'm so sorry for your loss. Me: Oh, she's not dead, she's just really lazy.
@Reverend_Scott: Goldfish 911: What's ur emergency? Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what? Goldfish: WHO IS THIS? Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW