@Just_Beachy72: Son told me "Make me a sandwich, woman" and now I have one child instead of two
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@stuartrutten: For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
@Jandalize: I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21.
@KalvinMacleod: Dave's coming over "Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?" [outside] THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
@Cheeseboy22: I'll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.