Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.