*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…