Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
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[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?