“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Me too 😆
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?