Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
You Might Also Like
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.