Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The glory of fall.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.