Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
#SuperBowl
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?