Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I want to meet the individual who made this
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
A game married people play.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH