Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.