Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
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i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”