Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.