Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Safety first
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I have two kinds of followers
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.