Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not