Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You Might Also Like
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
no regrets
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.