You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
@funTweeters
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My first son he is wonderful
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)