SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
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Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
How to wake up a Beagle
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume