You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French