Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I can’t be the only one 😂
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.