son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.