@benicus_rex: Why is millennial humor so weird, why can't they do normal humor like about a coyote trying to use a rocket launcher to kill a bird

@samalmightysam: My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.

@Talkinghands69: When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."

@ruinedpicnic: [a girl favs my tweet] [goes to pharmacy] one condom please

@TheTweetOfGod: The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.