@decentbirthday: Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch

@DiamondLou69: "I'm definitely gonna hit that later tonight!" - Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

@Vodkantots: Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.

@LetMeStart: My outfit today says "I'm going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards." My outfit is full of lies.

@ericacanrant: If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.