@decentbirthday: Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
@DiamondLou69: "I'm definitely gonna hit that later tonight!"
- Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
@Vodkantots: Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.
@LetMeStart: My outfit today says "I'm going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards."
My outfit is full of lies.
@ericacanrant: If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.
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