If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive