Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Just say no
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed