son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche