son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
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co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Who says great literature is dead?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.