Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
This is a whole mood;
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
oh my god