son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
You Might Also Like
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
CUTE CAT‼︎
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”