Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Cardio Made Easy