@animaldrumss: son, you don't need to close your eyes, it's just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you're not watching it
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@KeetPotato: [1st day as bank robber] leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Did you save room for dessert? Me: Not really, I'm stuffed Waiter: Ok, I'll bring the check Me: I'll have the chocolate cake.
@noog: "What sins have you committed?" Well... [20 minutes later] ... finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father? *vomiting sound*
@AnOrangeSNES: Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn't he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy