A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.