Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
You Might Also Like
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.