“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
This meal prepping shit easy
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it