Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
This fish is cracking me up
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.