Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!